Waking the Walker

A mother's quest to survive her son's "zombie" years – aka his teens.

Tag: loss

A Mother’s Love

I seem to find myself in quite the quandary this month. I feel like I’ve lost my mojo. I had every intention of dedicating this month’s post to mothers, in particular my amazing Mom, but every time I start to write, I find myself struggling to find the right words. I have started the post, but my words aren’t sparking me to move on. I even found a quote I felt would be perfect to set the tone.

Ribbons of Love“Mother, the ribbons of your love are woven around my heart.” ~Author Unknown

Unfortunately, I feel so many of my words are the same words written by many before me. See below.

It has been said in more ways than one that there is no greater love than that of a mother for her child. As a mother and a daughter, I can attest this to be true. When my son was born, he became the center of my universe. When he hurts, I hurt. When he’s happy, so am I. When he excels, I cry tears of joy. If we fight, it hurts me to my core. I know I will always feel this way. When he’s a grown man with a family of his own, my love with expand to his children. The amount of love our hearts can give is astounding. I saw this with my mother. She hung in there as long as should could, not for herself, but for her children. Sitting by her bedside her last couple days, you could see the fight in her.”

This is as far as I got. The words stopped. My mind felt blocked. My heart numb. It’s even painful to hear co-workers speak of their Mother’s. This just plain sucks. Best Nurse Ever

I thought I was doing OK until I realized May 6th was Nurse’s Day. You got it, my Mom was a nurse. The best there ever was. Her compassion for her patients reached well beyond her duties. After my father passed, she took a position at a local college and built the health service for the students from the ground up, by herself. Each one of those students became like another child to her and the feeling was mutual with the students. This was evident by the beautiful and touching words written by former students on the school’s Facebook page after she passed. In addition, there were former students that actually came to her services. My Mom was 94, and retired from the school in the late nineties. She started the health service in 1966. The students that attended services graduated in the 70’s. That is truly a testament as to the kind of woman she was.

Just imagine having a woman like this as your Mom. My siblings and I were beyond blessed. Saying goodbye to a woman who’s heart never turned a soul away, even those that hurt her, rips at those ribbons of her love woven around our hearts. When she passed a little piece of our hearts died with her. There is a void where once there was love. Read the rest of this entry »

Zombie Robot Mode

As March ended and April started, I found myself sinking into “Zombie Robot Mode.” Going through the motions with little emotion. Running on autopilot. It’s that “stuck in rut” mode with no clue how to brake the cycle. I’ve been in this place before and it usually ended up with me making a major change like a new job, or even picking up and moving to a new state. That was before becoming a Mom. Roboat Woman

I will be at my present job for 14 years this December. The closest I ever came to staying at a job longer than 2 – 3 years was a 7 year run at an ad agency, which ended with me leaving my husband and then moving to the beach. When I needed a change, I would go for it. (In the world of advertising that was actually the only way to really find advancement, so it helped.) Unfortunately, that doesn’t work so well when you’re raising a child. We have moved, quite a few times, till settling into the beautiful home we are in now, thanks to my sister, but each one of those moves was based on what would be best for my son. As was my decision to settle into my present job. When raising a child the key factor is always security. Emotional, spiritual, physical and financial.

As a creative person at times I have felt myself stagnating. Resurrecting my writing 6 years ago has been my saving grace. I may not be writing full-time, which is my ultimate goal, but I am still writing, which sustains me when the day-to-day ends up sucking the life out of me. So, why are things getting to me more now than any time before? Could it be facing another birthday, knowing I’m not getting any younger and my dreams are just as far away now as they were 20 years ago? Maybe, but, I try hard to be a glass half-full kind of girl, and can usually pull myself up and out of a dark mood. Something more was at play, but what?
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Hershel and Beth Greene

Hershel and Beth Greene

In a month normally filled with joyous gatherings of family and friends the subject of loss seems so unfitting, but I found myself profoundly effected by the loss of Beth Greene (Emily Kinney) on “The Walking Dead” mid-season finale and to be honest, I couldn’t quite figure out why. Other characters have been killed off, including ones my son and I were quite fond of and ones that really helped to move the story line along. In particular, Hershel Greene (Scott Wilson), Beth’s father. My best guess as to why her death got to me was that she, like her father, was becoming a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak end of times world. Plus, she was just coming into her own, having grown from a shy, frighten teen, so distraught with the realities of this horrible apocalyptic world that she came close to taking her own life. Any life cut short is sad, but one with so much prospect is truly a tragedy. I realize these are fictitious characters, but, it made me wonder if there were any lessons in the grieving process that could be garnered by the loss of our favorite fictitious characters.

Before I could ponder this any further, my family was forced to deal with the sudden illness of my 94 year old mother, which landed her in the hospital and now in a skilled nursing facility for the remainder of her days. We knew for awhile that this day may come, but when you’re slapped in the face with it and no other options, it can be earth shaking. She has health issues that we thought would be what would take her from us, but some how she kept motoring along. We worked hard to keep her at home, but the reality of the situation hung large over our heads. For years we were watching who she was slowly drifting away due to the ravages of dementia, which was breaking our hearts. When pneumonia hit, along with the discovery of congestive heart failure, we knew we could no longer care for her on our own.
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